just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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