Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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