"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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