I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize