my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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