Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
