ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
