he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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