Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
