I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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