Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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