I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Randomize