Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
