Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Don't make out with my wife yet
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
