You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
