I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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