I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
