i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
