I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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