Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
