You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
