you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
