you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
