im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Houston, we have a blender
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
