at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
