That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
