One girl and one boy is just not enough.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
