i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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