Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
