my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
