so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize