i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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