Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
