He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
