i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
