The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
