o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
