I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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