Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
