I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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