he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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