Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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