i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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