so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
