It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
