tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize
