You just made me feel so damn special
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize