I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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