Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
