chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
