how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
