So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
