New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
