I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
