my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize