The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
