So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
