the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
