someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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