White coat. Heels.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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