You smell like a Billy Joel song
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
